The life I wanted
by Jaydee B Bailey
Summary: Sam isn't Sam anymore, but what about Jack? Sam has to see for herself. Another missing scene for Continuum. Contains very mild spoilers. S/J angst ahead. Chapter two added. Complete
1. The life I wanted

Ah, yes. Another 'missing scene' for the amazing, yet ship-light movie that is Stargate Continuum. Another 'what happened during the time Sam had to pretend to be someone else' drabble. Is it a cliché? Yes, but remember. In every cliché there is a core of truth and secret satisfaction… Or something along those lines.

Anyway, here's a baby fic. Not as in 'S/J with child', but as in ficlet. A longish drabble if you wish. The characters aren't all mine. There might be some, but they are of no real importance anyway.

I hope someone gets something out of this! Emotion, or… other… feelings. ;)

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**The life I wanted**

This was a mistake. Sam shouldn't have come here. She shouldn't have left the safety of the life she was forced to live and she shouldn't have complicated things by looking up one Jack O'Neill. She blamed him, though. She really did. If that man would not have been so very handsome and equally predictable in every reality and universe she could possibly imagine, she wouldn't have been here. Here being very relative, of course. She had been sure she was a strong independent woman, who didn't need a man to survive this minor bump in the road. Did she, or did she not survive worse situations before? SG-1 had travelled through time, went to hell, pulled a Bruce Willis and saved earth several times, while treating it like a school trip. How hard could it be to eventually reset an altered timeline, anyway? Sam shook her head, knowing that she couldn't fool herself any more. She needed Jack in her life as much as she needed science. She could live without him really, she just didn't want to.

For a moment Sam could have sworn she was back home, in the timeline she was used to. The park looked the same as she remembered it. From where she stood, she could see the fountain that didn't work most of the time. She saw the funny looking tree she and Jack tried to name, because they felt sorry for it. A project that failed because they, first of all, couldn't choose whether it was a Bart or a Homer and second kept coming to the conclusion that it was ridiculous to name a tree to begin with. On her left she saw the bench where they had sat to discuss the direction in which their relationship would go and ended up making out like two teenagers in love. And on her right… On her right, she found the stretched field where, just like in her timeline, Jack was bending and adding rules to a game of football.

He was there with Charlie, who didn't look much different from the photographs Jack had shown her. He was older now, but he still had the smiling eyes and the expression that reminded her of his father. He was alive and looking happy. Sam watched as he and Jack played against each other, backed up by two teams of children. On the edge of the field she noticed a woman pulling sandwiches and drinks out of a bag, while looking at Jack with the same intensity she probably would have shown if things would have been the way they were supposed to. The whole scene looked surreal and made her feel like an intruder. In fact, she felt like one everywhere she went lately. This life simply wasn't hers.

She began to walk away when she heard someone call out her name. The real one. _Carter_. It sounded so familiar that it made her stop in her tracks and turn around, even though she had become very skilled in ignoring all random mentions of her actual name. She saw Jack frown and say something to his son before jogging over to her. Sam prepared herself for Jack's commanding officer tone and probable accusations of her being unprofessional and …insane.

When he reached her, she felt her back straighten and she noticed she held her breath.

''Colonel Carter? What brings you here?''

Jack looked at her, clearly confused. She needed a plan. A good, solid excuse. A lie. Anything. She shouldn't have been here.

''It's not Carter anymore Jack. Sir.'' She inwardly cursed at herself for the slip-up. ''…It's Johnson. Sally''

She was glad he didn't get the irony that was in her new last name. Thank heavens.

''Sally? Funny. You don't look like one''

He smiled and looked at her, amusement evident on his face.

''I'm glad _someone_ finds it funny, Sir''

She felt miserable. How in earth was she going to explain her presence? How could she stand here with the man she had loved for so long and not tell him how not having him around was maybe hurting her more than not having any contact with the only people who felt what she felt, because they had gone through the same? Her thoughts shifted to Daniel and Cam and she wondered if they had felt the urge to visit places or people from their past yet.

''I'm sorry, …_Sal_''

Sam blinked. Why? Why did they give her a name that sounded like hers? Why did she end up with a name that, coming from Jack, made her feel the same way she did when he whispered it in her ear the moment he woke up in the morning? She had blown up a sun and this was the way the universe punished her. She was sure of it.

''Yeah sure. I uh…'' She needed something to say. How's life? Who's that woman over there? I love you. ''So… you actually remembered my name?'' Yes. That worked. She felt proud of her ever increasing and returning military skills that she liked to call 'forming sentences without giving in to hugging a now perfect stranger'.

Jack grinned. ''After our …encounter, I read your files. _Yours_, not the astronaut's. Interesting stuff, Johnson. The travelling, the missions, the bad guys… It would make some great science fiction. Someone should make a TV show out of it.''

''Actually, Sir, someone did. I guess that's one of the up-sides of living here. Not having to be confronted with a cult series about your life.''

Jack's grin widened and Sam slowly started to feel comfortable with this Jack O'Neill. Maybe she could say goodbye and slip away before he remembered that she wasn't supposed to be here. With him, feeling the need to pull him into a hug. Or jump him. She had to go somewhere else and try to come to grips with the fact that her Jack died. That her Jack wasn't playing football in the park with his son anymore. That her Jack turned into this Jack who was seeing the most important part of her life as science fiction and was here with a gorgeous woman that wasn't her. She really should find a way to…

''So, Sal. What are you doing here?''

Sam sighed. Darn it.

''I was just…'' Wind. Mist. A brick wall. Her mind was drawing a blank.

''…Reminiscing over the good old days?'' Jack cut in, pulling up an eyebrow.

Reminiscing. Yes. That was what she was doing. She wasn't semi- stalking this not-so-much-her Jack. No, she was finding comfort in things she remembered from way back when the world was right.

''Yes. I… Yes. Exactly. I just wanted to go back to where I used to live and see how… different things are now. You know, who's living in my house, is that fountain still not working, do the neighbours still have a baby boy, or did they get a dog…''

''…Is my husband still my husband, or is he just a very nasty Air Force officer who loves someone else?''

Sam blinked and wondered if he had really just said that. He didn't know, did he? She never mentioned that she and Jack where… Oops. She started to blush and wasn't sure she could look him in the eyes.

''That was the best part of the file, you know. Finding out that I was married to the Big Samantha Carter, whom I only knew as heroic astronaut. If all things related to you and your companions wasn't so darned classified, this is the one thing I would tell my friends about first.''

He laughed and shot her a reassuring look, indicating that he was only kidding. The thought flashed through Sam's head that she only knew it was meant to reassure her because she _knew_ that look. She knew the meaning of pretty much every Jack O'Neill look, smile and gesture there was and that thought overwhelmed her. Sam had spend so much time learning how to deal with this man and how to react to every single mood he ever had, that he had become a part of her. A part she had grown to love, so much more than she ever could have imagined when she first met him. She wasn't going to cry. Not in public and certainly not in front of this not-so-much-her Jack., but damn it. He died. He really did die. She bit her lip and felt her knees buckle, slightly, but enough for Jack to notice.

''I'm so sorry, Sam. I forgot about…''

Sam shook her head. ''Sally. And it's alright, I just…You're _him. _You're not some duplicate Jack or a figment of my imagination. You're the same person. You're made of flesh and blood and if I were to shoot you, you'd… listen, just forget about it. I shouldn't be here''

She turned to walk away and yet again that voice she knew so well stopped her from actually doing so.

''…You'd _shoot_ me?''

There it was, another unmistaken Jack facial expression. The Mock Surprise Look. To make it even worse, it was combined with The Boyish Smirk. The one that made her smile, no matter how bad the situation was.

''I actually did that, you know. More than once. Sort of.''

Now it was her turn to smirk. Banter she could do. That was easy. No being sad. She looked around to check for people within hearing range. She took a step closer to Jack and whispered:

''See… In my world, everything is possible. Take any science fiction cliché you like and we've seen it. Switching bodies? Did that. Aliens threatening the existence of earth? Had those. Little grey men? Allies. Time travel? We could have gone to Woodstock. We prevented an asteroid from hitting earth, visited alternate universes and we have bases on different planets. I'm not sure you believe everything I say now, Jack but reality is that me shooting you, is a very minor event on my radar.''

Jack blinked and stared at her for a moment before breaking into a full blown grin again. Sam stared at him and took in his eyes, the way his mouth moved, and the way his hair was messed up… He looked good. Her mind went places it shouldn't be going and a little voice inside her head was screaming something to her that she couldn't quite make out due to the fact that she noticed that Jack used the same cologne he did at home. _Stop. _She was trying hard not to reach out to his cheek to touch the stubble and make a joke about him needing to shave when she secretly thought it looked sexy. _Staring! _Her inner voice had broken through and was laughing at her. Sam found herself staring and felt the blush on her face. Looking for something to distract her, she looked past Jack and noticed they were being watched by the woman that was unpacking food earlier. She shot Sam a glare that came across loud and clear. Hands off.

''Look Jack. It was nice to have this chat with you, but I should go. I shouldn't be here. In the first place because I was forbidden to be and in the second place because you have a life of your own. I guess I just had to see it to make it more… real.''

He grabbed her arms as she was struggling with the urge to wrap them around him.

''You know, Sal, this must be the strangest encounter I have ever had with anyone. I don't know you. I read your file, but I don't recognize myself in the stories. It read to me like the stories Charlie used to write about me being a super hero. It's me, but I'm doing stuff I know I can't do. Then here you are, in the flesh, trying to get back a life that, from my perspective never happened and I find myself wanting to know everything about you. It. …About your life. If you're right about those enemies your file mentions, about them attacking… us, don't you think we should talk about it?''

She sighed. He gave her an opening. An opportunity to hang around, to make him part of her world. All she had to do is say 'yes'. Yes.

''No, Jack.''

No. That easy. She felt her heart beat a little faster and she was sure the little voice in her head was about to speak up again, but she didn't really care. Sure she had to find a way to get things back to normal, but she realized that this wasn't the way. Not now. Right at this moment she had to wait and sit out the time she had to spend being Sally Johnson. She couldn't handle the presence of not-so-much-her Jack O'Neill. The time would come eventually, but not today.

''I bet you'll be one of the first they'l contact when the world needs saving and they'll tell you all about it. It's not up to me, Jack. I just came here to …remember the life I had. ''

Sam looked at him, smiled, said goodbye and walked away. She knew he was watching her, but she couldn't bare to turn around again. She was done. She'd seen Jack. The Jack he would have been if neither she nor the Stargate program would have crossed his path. He had his son, he had someone else and he was alive. What else could she wish for the man she loved? She knew he was happy without her and even though her eyes now started to fill with tears, she was happy knowing that at least Jack O'Neill had the life that he had always wanted.

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Is a Shippy fic a Shippy fic if there's no kissing/hugging or ''I love you''?

*shrugs* Maybe… maybe I'll continue this one. :P

Hope you enjoyed!


	2. The life I never had

Thanks for all the lovely reviews! They gave me the final push to continue this story. ;)

I'm still very new to FF's features, so let me just express my appreciation in general.

The characters still aren't mine, except for one and I have developed quite the love/hate relationship with her.

This chapter will break away from Sam's point of view and show you how I envisioned Jack's response to her showing up. It's only fair to let him have a say too.

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_The life I wanted, chapter 2: _**The life I never had**

There she went. Samantha/Sally Carter/Johnson. Jack watched her as she walked away, wondering if he should follow her, do something to stop her from leaving. There was so much he wanted to know about the life he had led in Carter's timeline. He wanted to know how he could have lived with Charlie's death. How it had led to him divorcing Sara. How in earth he ended up married to Sam Carter, a scientist/soldier. A gorgeous one at that… He didn't stop her, though. It would have been wrong to ask. It wasn't really his problem anyway. Of course his job led him to wanting to stop those funny named aliens from attacking earth, but like the lady had said: If they needed him, they'd call him. Jack briefly wondered how he had come to believe her story. The one he had thought to be insane. She and her two friends had ended up in an altered timeline, where practically nothing was as it was supposed to be. According to them, anyway. All this happened due to some alien parasite thing that managed to kill him, or rather the original Jack O'Neill, first. He had heard a lot of strange stories in his professional life, but this one beat them all. And he actually bought it, word for word. Maybe he was slowly loosing it. Going nuts. Going…

''Dad?''

He spun around to find his son looking at him, with an expression he knew matched his own.

''Charlie?''

He mimicked his son's tone, urging him to say whatever it was that was on his mind. The kid's mind seemed to work a lot like Jack's. There were so many thoughts going through his head that he needed some time to bind them all together in one simple, but probably loaded question.

''…Who was that?''

Yes, he knew his kid.

''Who? Her?'' He casually pointed at the disappearing dot that was Samantha Carter. ''Just an old friend. Sally Johnson. We go way back. Waaaay… back.''

Charlie nodded and grinned at him. Yet another feature he and Jack had in common. He didn't ask, but it was clear that he was thinking that Sally Johnson had been more than a friend. Which was good. It was better for him to believe that the woman he had been talking to was an old flame than to know the truth. Charlie frowned.

''You know, from where I was standing, she seriously looked like that astronaut. You know, the one who…'' He made a gesture and sound that indicated an explosion.

''Yeah'' Jack cut in. ''I bet she gets that a lot.''

He and Charlie started to walk back towards the field, where four children were awaiting their return. Four children and one very annoyed looking brunette. Charlie noticed and started to chuckle.

''Margie looks pretty mad.''

Jack nodded. The relationship he had established with Margaret was nice. Nothing more, but certainly nothing less. She was caring and provided him with a kind of warmth he found very comforting. She liked Charlie, Jack liked her kids and they had fun together. She could be the woman he could grow to love. Someday. After Sara's death, now six years ago, he had believed that he could never love another woman enough to ever settle down again. Not because he thought in terms of there being One True Love, or because the love he had felt for his wife was one of a kind, but because Jack wasn't the man to fall for a woman head over heels. It took time. Lots of it. However, he now felt his believe shatter and unfortunately, Margaret wasn't the woman who had caused it. It was Sam 'not the astronaut' Carter. The woman who somehow managed to make Jack fall in love with her. The woman who managed to love him enough to want to marry him. And that in a timeline in which Jack had lost the most important person in his life. His son. Wasn't that enough to leave him bitter for life?

''…warn you that Margie is growing an extra head and tail?''

Jack shook his head. ''Sorry?''

Charlie sighed and rolled his eyes. ''You're not listening are you?''

''Sure I am.''

Ok, he hadn't been listening. He had been thinking about Sam Carter, which was pretty disturbing. After all, she was an intergalactic time travelling super soldier/scientist with a history of sci-fi clichés who had shared bed and morning paper with him.

''She's kind of attractive. Your friend, I mean.''

Could the kid read his mind? He glared at his son, while thinking that mind reading would probably be one of the minor events Carter had gone through as well.

''Yeah… for a soldier.'' Jack tried to sound as casual as possible and only noticed the use of her profession when it was too late. Not that it really mattered. Charlie would never see Jack's 'friend' again anyway.

Charlie looked at his father with renewed interest. Jack could see that his answer had spiked a new load of questions.

''So you worked together? What does she do? She didn't come to…''

''Charlie.'' Jack cut of his son again, ''That's …classified.''

Oh yes. Pulling out the classified card. Effective, yet a major cop-out. He noticed that Charlie fought back a grin and knew that the message was taken. Stop asking. In fact, Jack should have stopped asking himself questions that did not matter. This was his life. He was here, now. They were strolling and slowly approaching the picnic table that was now covered with sandwiches and drinks. Margie's kids were already seated and were playfully hitting each other. The four of them were all blond and blue-eyed and somehow diverted his thoughts back to the blonde Air Force officer. 'Sally Johnson' just didn't fit her. She was way to… kick-ass. Next to him, Charlie shot a questioning look at him.

''…Why did you call her 'Carter'?''

That was it. His son could read minds. Jack silently cursed the young man's sharp mind. And hearing. When Jack had seen Carter standing on the path, he had recognised her immediately. He wanted to speak to her. Make sure she knew he wasn't as edgy as he had been when they had first met in the Arctic. He did try to approach her casually, but she had turned to walk away. Jack had to make a choice between taking a sprint to catch up, or yell the only name he knew she'd listen to. Carter. Her maiden name. Thank god, for he was sure he couldn't explain yelling 'O'Neill' to her when Margaret and Charlie were there.

''It's just a nickname. You know, after… Jimmy.''

Charlie frowned and Jack would have been happy if his son wouldn't have been a curious college student who questioned every explanation given to him.

''So, she's nicknamed after a president and she just happens to be the spitting image of a dead astronaut with the same last name? …What a coincidence dad. And what was her name? Sally? I once read that when someone needs a new identity, they're advised to choose a name similar to their old one to avoid situations in which…''

Either his son had seen one too many witness protection movie, or he was slowly becoming a conspiracy theorist. Sad truth was that no matter how Jack looked at it, the kid had a point.

''I said it was classified, ok?'' Jack felt guilty about barking at Charlie, but it had to be done. He noticed that Margaret looked at them with a worried expression, but chose to ignore it. Charlie sighed and knew that he wouldn't get another word out of him about Carter, but felt the need to weigh in one more time. He whispered.

''They never recovered her body… She didn't _really_ die, did she?''

Jack sighed. ''Let's eat, son. Let's just eat .''

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Margaret had been giving him the silent treatment ever since he and Charlie had returned to the table. For the sake of her kids, she had pretended to be cheerful, but Jack couldn't help but notice that she was one unhappy camper. Charlie had agreed to take the kids home and watch them for a while and Jack wasn't sure he should be happy about it. Now he was sitting in a diner with plastic furniture that was probably meant to imitate the style from the '50's. Behind the counter he spotted a waitress who definitely _was_ vintage. The whole scene just seemed too darn happy.

,,So. Who was she and why did you feel the need to run after her?''

Margaret looked past him, at the table and at her hands, but couldn't look him in the eye. She fumbled with the napkin holder and diverted her attention to the very 1950's pepper and salt shakers. She felt insecure and she showed it. Jack decided to give her the same answer he gave his son earlier.

''She's a friend from the past.''

Or actually, from the present, the present he should have had. Or the past he never had. Timelines confused him. Muchly. Margaret picked up the bottle of ketchup and started screw the lit tighter. Jack waited.

''A _friend_ huh? She's pretty.'' She picked up the bottle again, this time to unscrew the lit. When she noticed Jack didn't respond to her statement, she continued. ''She did look a bit young, though. For you, I mean. She's what… about five years younger than I am?''

Jack found the situation amusing, but knew it was better not to show it. If only she knew both how wrong and how right she was. His mind briefly wondered off. Carter hadn't even asked him about Margaret or Charlie. She had noticed, he was sure, but she had kept her thoughts to herself.

''Yeah, give or take.''

Jack grabbed the bottle of ketchup from her and put it back on the table.

''Listen, first of all, I wouldn't call her 'pretty', she's more…'' Bad idea to finish that thought, O'Neill. ''…and second, nothing ever happened between her and me. We never exchanged bodily fluids, nor did we see each other naked. I swear.''

Margaret smiled and finally managed to look at him. She trusted him and he appreciated that. He grabbed her hand and squeezed it gently. His life was with her now. In this timeline, Sam Carter was dead, even though his son didn't seem to agree. He hadn't met her prior to their encounter on the Arctic ice. All he knew came from the file he shouldn't have read about the interviews held with her and her two friends. Colonel Samantha Carter, United States Air Force. Theoretical… something something. Fought evil aliens and once served under his command. It wouldn't have spiked his interest if he hadn't known that said colonel was married to him. Unlike what he had told Carter, that piece of information he didn't learn from the report.

On the submarine he had felt guilty about the way he had treated the three strangers and returned to their quarters to apologize when he had overheard a conversation. It was Carter talking to Jackson. Or Mitchell, he couldn't tell who was who. She had sounded upset, but steady. Jack didn't know why, but he could still replay every word he had heard her say, months after the fact.

''_He died. He just…'' _her voice broke. ''_Leave it up to Jack O'Neill to die when we finally have the chance to…''_ She had chuckled. ''_You know what he said before we left for the base? This is the first mission we go on as husband and wife, Carter. Let's pray it'll be the last. This one will be a walk in the park, but the one after will probably go wrong, SG-1 style. I couldn't bare to loose you. To see you get hurt.'' _Some muffled, soothing words from the other speaker. ''_Well. I guess he had his wish fulfilled…''_

That was the moment Jack found out. It had hit him hard and all the looks and glances he had seen from her had been explained. The hurt she had shown when he was told that Charlie was dead and the smile of relief when Carter had recognised him on the ice. It had all been for _him_. Him as in the person Jack O'Neill, not just the name.

Jack glanced at Margaret, who was now at ease and looking at the endless list of hamburgers she could choose from. He had to forget about Carter and concentrate on what he had. His son, and a nice and caring woman by his side, who couldn't be killed by aliens with a grudge every time she went to work. He was pretty sure Carter and her friends would manage to fix whatever they thought was broken, judging by what he had read. _A minor event for SG-1. _He would never be the wiser, anyway. If they were to succeed, he would loose everything he had grown to love in this life and he would never know. As disturbing as that thought was, he knew that whatever life he would get back, _if_ he would get his life back and not stay dead, would be one filled with happiness. He knew that Carter cared about him. He was sure that the only reason she broke protocol by coming to see him, and therefore maybe blew her chances to fix things, was that she loved him more than the life she had left behind. More than the life he had never had. And that alone made him feel like an honoured man.

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Aww! So they still aren't together. Just more sadness and …musing.

This story is still marked 'complete' and might just stay that way. I mean… angst is good, right? However, as I stated in the previous chapter, I might dream of fluffy bunnies and decide to add yet another chapter filled with happiness. Or more S/J angst. ;) But consider it done. Tragic endings can be beautiful.

Anyway, I hoped you enjoyed reading this story and thanks for your time!


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